Saturday, May 14, 2011

I suck at this love thing

So I was talking about my non-existent love-life the other day. And after talking to someone last night I realized that my problem stems from my very real idealism. While I think that it's quite noble and great to believe in such things as one true love, fate, soul-mates, etc., I do believe that I am in the minority of people. I also think that my notion of love and romance is something that has been heavily influenced by romance novels and films (of which I've read and seen quite a few).

I don't actually have a problem with my way of thinking. But I think that perhaps I should. I have had a disastrous last 6 months. If I'm completely honest it's been a disastrous year, but hindsight is always a biatch. I thought I was in love (or maybe strong like) with someone. I know it sounds weird now, but I don't know what I would classify the emotion as asides from madness because I actually don't feel that way anymore. At the time, I was thinking in terms of 'perfect match' and 'soul mates' but now I have no idea wtf I was thinking. The guy was not a perfect match for me in any way but I think once you have been good friends with someone for so long, sometimes you blur the lines of what you see and feel. At least that is what I am telling myself.

The guy was someone who I have spoken about in the blog before. Never with any romantic thoughts before though. I honestly never had a crush or anything on him for the first 4 years of our friendship. Maybe because he was always very honest about what a douchebag he was and I was just happy to be friends. But really that's what made it all the more romantic in my head. I thought that perhaps that was the way things are supposed to go (you know how they always say that you should marry your best friend and all that jazz).

Well, without going into all the sordid details, things got very complicated and fast. Or slow. I don't really know. It was a huge mess and there was a lot of back and forth and obviously nothing went the way of a fairytale! :)

It didn't help that he had been a bit of a sucky friend for a long time before this and it didn't help that some of my closest girl friends who knew him thought he sucked and didn't even know why I was friends with him. It also didn't help that he is a womanizer and has different moral values from me. You can see where I am going with this. The thing is, it could have been all very simple. Clean cut. But the whole situation kinda dragged on and the friendship also combusted. And I got mad and he got mad, and some really sweet things were said and voila here we are.

We are no longer friends at all. And I honestly don't ever anticipate us ever being friends again. And that makes me a little sad, but I don't know if the situation would have or could have played out any differently. The point of this post is that I don't know if it was because of my belief in the one-true love thing that caused this. Because honestly in my mind, I did kinda think, well maybe this is it? Yeah, I had pause for thought- you don't know someone as well as I knew him and not, haha. But I had several friends who told me they thought we should be together and ladidadida and don't you love him? And he has always loved you, I can tell. Those sorts of comments kind of ferment in your mind until you think well maybe.

Well maybe was a NO. And now I just have no clue. Sometimes I think I should just forget the idealism and just go out with whoever, regardless of the fact if I feel that special something and think we click and have a connection. Because the way things are going these days, I may be waiting until the aliens come down and land!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Criminal minds...argh, what not to do at the cinema!!

So I was super duper embarrassed on Tuesday. My heart was beating so fast because I thought that I was going to die of shame. Oops, I spoilt the ending of the story because now you know I didn't die. Or I wouldn't be able to type this.

It all started when my roommates and I decided to go and see 'Something Borrowed'. We decided that we would go to an early morning show because it is $6 as opposed to $13. So we all got up early, 9am, and made the trek to the cinema. We were a bit late and so we ran up the escalators and into the movie theater and handed over our tickets. There was probably one other person in the cinema at this time, asides from the people who worked there.

We rushed into the room and sat down and watched the movie. And it was cute. I'm a sucka for chick flicks but I didn't really like the message of the movie, which was basically saying that cheating is okay if the 2 people cheating are really in love. NO IT ISN'T. So, while I was rooting for the male lead and Rachel (the best friend of his fiance) to get together, I felt at odds with my feelings morally. While, it was clear that Dex, (the male lead) and Rachel had been in love for a long time and had crossed signals and all that crap, he was still engaged to her best friend. So while ultimately, the story worked out that the engagement was called off (at the last moment) and they were together and happy, I was still a bit weirded out. I mean really? That's not any sort of love story that I would be hoping for myself.

Anyways, after we all saw the movie, we went to the bathroom and had basically decided to see another movie 'Water For Elephants'. Only the plan was to sneak in without getting another ticket. I have never done this before in my life and when I first heard the plan earlier in the day, I was a bit hesitant. However, I guess I succumbed to the feeling that it was okay and lots of people do it.

Several mistakes were made:
1. When we initially arrived at the cinema we were running and drew a lot of attention to ourselves.
2. We went to see the first movie at 10.50am. Not many people go to see films that early.
3. We walked out of the first movie and then stood in line for 15 mins to buy snacks.
4. We hung out in the lobby before we walked into the next film.

5 seconds after we sat down to watch the next movie, a man comes in and sits behind us and says "My manager sent me in here to ask to see your ticket stubs."

OH SHIT! Excuse my language. But that was all that was running through my mind. OMG, what am I going to do? I want to die. Why did I sneak into this movie? Am I going to be escorted out? Sent to jail? (I told you, I am nothing if not overly dramatic at times).

Well, my two roommates and I all pretended to look for our ticket stubs. And the man then says to us "Tell the truth ladies, just tell the truth." And I can't even open my mouth because what am I going to say "Yes, I snuck into the movie without paying?" How do you say that? One of my roommates kept insisting that we had bought tickets and he kept insisting that we tell the truth. It was one of those moments in life that seems like it is in slow motion. The exchange most probably only lasted about 2 minutes but it felt like 2 hours.

Eventually, the guy told us that he was going to let us stay because we had bought food and he said some other words but I was still too freaked out to really listen. The whole movie I was on the edge of my seat just waiting for someone to come and escort me out. It was absolutely awful. Not the movie (that was cute, but again the cheating/adultery theme was prevalent ARGH).

So my advice for the day is: Never attempt to sneak into a movie after paying for one. The shame of getting caught is just not worth it!! :)


I feel like I get annoyed so easily these days. An off remark or comment can have me seething inside and I have less patience for people who are petty, rude and ignorant. And then I start to feel mean and get annoyed at myself for getting annoyed in the first place. Argh. It's an awful circular cycle to carry through life.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A new beginning...kinda

Hiya Katy!!! :) (It's good to be back and to think I'll be reading about Saskatoon, Saskatchewan again soon. I'll feel like I've gone back to the past).

I just looked back at some of the posts on my blog and I realized that while many things change in life, my idealist vision of love is still as sappy and sad as ever. I can't quite believe that I still believe in fairy tales and true love; especially considering the many awful guys I have met that would make any woman a non-believer.

I'm also sad that I deleted all my posts from 2006 that talked about hot prof and all my dreams. I suppose that at the time, there was nothing to do but delete but it would have been nice to look back at the posts and laugh. Yes, I am at the laughing stage now. I guess the one thing you can count on in life is getting over the feelings of embarrassment and pain.

And now I'm older and wiser (okay, perhaps not wiser), I think it's funny and helpful to look back at old experiences. Okay, I think I lied. I am older but I don't know if I am any wiser. I'm still a daydream believer. I bet The Monkees were writing about me in their song:

"Oh, I could hide beneath the wings, of the bluebird as she sings, the six o'clock alarm will never ring..."

The lyrics may be wrong. I still suck at lyrics (some things will never change) but I can't be bothered to look them up right now, laazzzzy I know.

There is really so much to talk about that I haven't really talked about in a long time. And it feels weird writing it all on my blog again. It's been so long since I've used it as a way to express my thoughts. But I feel the need to share again. Oh and several of my old blogger friends have asked me to start writing again, so that gave me some motivation.

I have a major crush. We shall call him Mr. X. And OMG- Mr. X is gorgeous. Really gorgeous. Sigh. And really nice. There is also a Mr. Y. He is also cute, but not nice. More like an asshole. And I don't really like him anymore (Thank God).  Then there was Mr. Z. And he broke my heart! :(

Cue the violins. (Please pause while I bow my head and sniffle).

Joke. I'm totally okay. If not a little sad. But not about the broken heart. Because it wasn't even really a broken heart because I loved him (I did love him but as a brother, not a boyfriend). And no, don't worry, I didn't sleep with any of these guys, or even kiss them. Lame, I know. And maybe that is part of the problem- I'm not a getting busy kind of girl and it seems to turn some guys off (especially when you start lecturing about why casual sex is not a good thing). Yeah, haha. Not a winning strategy for a love connection!

So anyways, Mr. Z broke my heart. Because he was my good friend and he totally trashed our friendship for nothing. It's a pretty long and complicated story and I will likely write about it in more detail but right now I can't be bothered. I feel like I talked the crap out of the situation n the last 4 months. Like, I don't know if I could have talked/thought about it any more than I actually did. Okay, tell a lie. I totally could have talked more about it! :)

But actually now. I'm in a really good place. I had a little relapse of sadness about a week ago. I was dumb and looked at a bunch of old photos and it made me feel a little sad because we had been through so much together as friends. Traveled to so many places and it has hard to fathom and accept that we aren't even friends any more. But some of the things he said to me, well, I don't know if a friend would ever say such a thing. Or do some of the things he did to me. It almost seems unconscionable. I'm being melodramatic now. But it's true.

I'll write more tomorrow.  I still have a paper to write for a class, and have only barely started it! Oops. I'm glad you are glad to hear I'm still a diligent student!