Saturday, May 14, 2011

I suck at this love thing

So I was talking about my non-existent love-life the other day. And after talking to someone last night I realized that my problem stems from my very real idealism. While I think that it's quite noble and great to believe in such things as one true love, fate, soul-mates, etc., I do believe that I am in the minority of people. I also think that my notion of love and romance is something that has been heavily influenced by romance novels and films (of which I've read and seen quite a few).

I don't actually have a problem with my way of thinking. But I think that perhaps I should. I have had a disastrous last 6 months. If I'm completely honest it's been a disastrous year, but hindsight is always a biatch. I thought I was in love (or maybe strong like) with someone. I know it sounds weird now, but I don't know what I would classify the emotion as asides from madness because I actually don't feel that way anymore. At the time, I was thinking in terms of 'perfect match' and 'soul mates' but now I have no idea wtf I was thinking. The guy was not a perfect match for me in any way but I think once you have been good friends with someone for so long, sometimes you blur the lines of what you see and feel. At least that is what I am telling myself.

The guy was someone who I have spoken about in the blog before. Never with any romantic thoughts before though. I honestly never had a crush or anything on him for the first 4 years of our friendship. Maybe because he was always very honest about what a douchebag he was and I was just happy to be friends. But really that's what made it all the more romantic in my head. I thought that perhaps that was the way things are supposed to go (you know how they always say that you should marry your best friend and all that jazz).

Well, without going into all the sordid details, things got very complicated and fast. Or slow. I don't really know. It was a huge mess and there was a lot of back and forth and obviously nothing went the way of a fairytale! :)

It didn't help that he had been a bit of a sucky friend for a long time before this and it didn't help that some of my closest girl friends who knew him thought he sucked and didn't even know why I was friends with him. It also didn't help that he is a womanizer and has different moral values from me. You can see where I am going with this. The thing is, it could have been all very simple. Clean cut. But the whole situation kinda dragged on and the friendship also combusted. And I got mad and he got mad, and some really sweet things were said and voila here we are.

We are no longer friends at all. And I honestly don't ever anticipate us ever being friends again. And that makes me a little sad, but I don't know if the situation would have or could have played out any differently. The point of this post is that I don't know if it was because of my belief in the one-true love thing that caused this. Because honestly in my mind, I did kinda think, well maybe this is it? Yeah, I had pause for thought- you don't know someone as well as I knew him and not, haha. But I had several friends who told me they thought we should be together and ladidadida and don't you love him? And he has always loved you, I can tell. Those sorts of comments kind of ferment in your mind until you think well maybe.

Well maybe was a NO. And now I just have no clue. Sometimes I think I should just forget the idealism and just go out with whoever, regardless of the fact if I feel that special something and think we click and have a connection. Because the way things are going these days, I may be waiting until the aliens come down and land!

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