Saturday, March 3, 2007

Before the sun

I suppose you want to know his name. It makes it seem more real when I say the name, funny that, because when I think about it, a piece of me dies inside.

Jacob. His name was Jacob. Jacob of the Old testament we called him. Not because he was especially biblical but because he had a kind heart and soul and he favoured me. I was his Joseph, and well, as we got older, people started to resent our closeness. They were jealous. Jacob never noticed that though.

I used to call him Talmudist; once again not because he was jewish, but because both he and I favoured the teachings of the talmud and of course the connection to the Old testament and his name. Tal or Jake.

We were going to go to Israel, to see the Holy Land, Bethlehem and Jerusalem. I made so many plans for us, so many places we would go and see. When we went camping we would stare at the sky and pretend we were in another country and talk about the things we were going to see when the sun came up. We visited so many countries before tthe sun came up.

He would tell me of his dreams at that time. He had visions for the world, huge dreams. And that is when he became animated and alive and he would enrapture me. I was caught up in his talk. Normally he would get so demonstrative that he would get out of his sleeping bag and start pacing and as he talked his arms would be moving and he would come up to me, and pull me up out of my sleeping bag and I would groan but be secretly excited and happy to be included in his ideas, in his aspirations to change the world.

"You and me kid. You and me. We're going to change the world." And then he would laugh. I always thought of us as Jo and Laurie, well before she turned him down and he married Amy. I always thought Jo should have been with Laurie. I told him that I would name my first son Theodore Laurence in honor of Laurie. That's how much I loved "Little Women".

But as he laughed, he would grab my hands and spin me around and we would dance there under the stars, in the woods, and it felt surreal. I always wondered what the wildlife of the forest must have been thinking as they watched us dance around. And then he would start to sing. Sometimes if I close my eyes tight and really try and concentrate I can hear him singing. And if I focus my brain in a certain way, I can smell him.

If I close my eyes right now, and take a deep breath, I can imagine him here with me. I try and reach out my hand to touch him and all I feel is the air. I wonder what he's doing right now. This very instant.

"Oh please, don't you rock my boat. Cos I don't want my boat to be rocking. Oh please dont you rock my boat cos I don't want my boat to be rocking. I'm telling u jah oh. I like it like this, like it like this. And you should know you should know by now. I like it like this I like it like this. Satisfy my soul. satisfy my soul. satisfy my soul. Every little action theres a reaction."

He's listening to Bob Marley. At least that's what I tell myself. Because really I don't know. You wouldn't think we were best friends.

But I don't care anymore. I think that this was the best thing that could have happened. No matter that everytime I go to bed I pray that I will never wake up and I cry my eyes out with the pain in my heart. No matter that as I sit hear I want to scream and shout and die, that I don't think I can endure the suffering any longer.

Sometimes when I am driving and crying and my vision gets blurry, I don't wipe the tears away because I am secretly hoping that I will just CRASH. And die. And then that would show him. It would show them all.

He never visits me. Why doesn't he visit me? Maybe he blames himself? Does he blame himself? I tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault.

No-one knows the pain though. I have a smile on my face. Everyday.

I'm still hoping that the sun will come up.

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