What a mess!

This week has been pretty horrible. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. Everything that could go wrong did and every little worry I had multiplied and honestly I'm surprised I didn't have a nervous breakdown.

Firstly, I had a job interview that sucked. The interviewer was horrible and asked me some really rude/inappropriate questions. Gotta say I won't be sad if I don't hear back from them.

Secondly, I had some awful correspondence with my advisor here at school. I honestly don't even know if I am coming or going anymore. I just want to quit and leave the program. I am doing as much as I can and it isn't good enough and frankly her attitude towards me seems really hostile and makes me feel so uncomfortable that I just never want to go in and see her.

Thirdly, a guy I thought I had a crush on decided to send me a text message talking about going on a date with someone. Like really? Do I really need to know? I've never been rejected in that way before...is that meant to be a nice let-down? I don't even know. It was very hurtful and made me feel kinda bad. Like why did he feel the need to send me a text talking about going on a date. Only good thing it did was make me delete him from my phone and from my mind, haha. I'm not one who is too prone to embarrassment or hurt feelings anymore and I do not need to put myself in that position again. Thing is with this guy I was more just trying to be friendly towards him and get to know him better because he had some similar interests. I mean, yeah I thought he was very cute! :)
LOL. And I thought he was sexy...okay, so maybe I wasn't just trying to be just friendly. But still rejection is a bitter pill to swallow. But next...

I've been receiving a lot of emails from my ex-friend who really hurt me. I guess he wants to be friends again and realized that I was a pretty cool friend to have. Honestly, I didn't know how to respond. He really hurt me and while I did miss his friendship, I really didn't miss the way he made me feel and that was crappy. Like I wasn't good enough in any regards. And while, he seems to realize now that I was a pretty awesome friend, it's too late. In my mind, I am pretty indifferent to being friends with him again. He really numbed me in some ways. And I have told him sorry, I forgive you but not really wanting to be friends again and he isn't getting it. I think he thinks that I will cave in because in the past I have always been soo forgiving but I am soo over it.

Also, I have another friend who totally lied to me about watching a video I made for a class. The video was long so I can understand if she didn't watch it...kinda. But not really. When I think of all the bullshit that this person sends me to look at or read, it makes me really mad. Like you don't even support me your friend. I put a lot of work into the video and well the fact that she just straight up lied, well, it seriously turned me off.

Can you tell I am in a moany/whiny mood? Maybe it's PMS. I have also been crying a lot in the last few days. Stressed out of mind. I was hoping that I would get hit by a car or something (you know how dramatic life can be sometimes) and started looking up life insurance policies so if that did happen, my mum could get a lot of money. Morbid, huh. I was like, well I know she would be sad I died but a million dollars may help to numb the pain. And then I read a bunch of websites on term life insurance and that sobered me up out of my emotional state.

Life can be soo funny sometimes.

And then of course I have another crush; which I won't even bother to talk about because it is so inappropriate (doesn't that make you want to hear about it more)! :) It's not a huge huge crush but the guy is super cute and sweet and nice and funny and well, when you are surrounded by a bunch of wankas, that really stands out! :)

But alas alack, nothing will every come of that crush.

So this is the point where I look boy crazy or something, or in love with love or scared of relationships or emotionally scarred or unavailable or just plain crazy. I don't even know if I am any of these or all of these any more.

I do still believe in love-true love. And I still believe in soul-mates and I still believe that there is one perfect person out there for each person but the more guys I meet the more I doubt if there is a perfect match for me.

And at this point, with all my other stresses I'm not even too bothered or consumed by it (well, not really). Let's hope the next few weeks go better! :)

New Stop-motion video (No more love)

I love Stopmotion videos. Ever since I lived in Los Angeles for a year and had lots of time on my hands I have been obsessed with watching them and trying to make them. My efforts have all proved to be fun but not very good.

That doesn't stop me from making them though! :)

Today was a bit of a lazy Sunday; yes I had work to do, but sometimes you just want to relax and release your creative juices. Textbooks will always be there!! Below is my latest stop-motion video!

You may be amazed that there is no love story in this particular video or post. Don't be! That will be coming soon. :)

All I seem to talk about...

I only seem to update this blog when some sort of love drama happens. Well, love is too strong of a word really; crushes is more the word. When some sort of weird crush or relationship happens. You will be pleased to hear or not, that there is no love in my life right now.

Sigh! :)

Actually, this is a good thing. I've realized that boys can be a bother and I don't need the bother right now! Though of course a cute guy could change my mind!

I go back to school in a week. I'm kinda looking forward to it but not really. I think I'm ready to be done with school. I have been at it for so long that I am burnt out right now. It is also hard for me to be interested in certain subjects I care nothing about. The one thing I like about my program is that it is really interesting and provided a lot of insight into the education system for me.

It's a pity that it didn't turn out to be all I hoped it would be. I graduate in December. Yay me. Don't ask what I will do after that or where I will be though. Argh. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it. I'm thinking I would like to stay in NYC for a bit; in either Manhattan or Brooklyn, but we shall see. I kind of miss living in a house with a garden and more space.

And I want a dog. Yes, I want a big goofy dog, who I cuddle in bed and take on long walks and who lights up whenever he sees me. I love dogs and that is my treat to myself when I graduate...I hope!

I have started reading the bible every morning. I am doing it because I realized that I need to strengthen my faith and there is a lot I do not know. I try to be the best person I can be but sometimes I feel like I fail a little bit. Like if I laugh at something mean someone says about someone else, or if I gossip- I feel bad. Really guilty. And I don't want to be like that. And I'm not a really big gossip but I really want to be as perfect as I can. That sounds crazy huh?

I just feel like it is important to be as nice and true and caring and compassionate and open as you can. Don't get me wrong. I'm no Mother Theresa but I want to be the best I can.

Also, I do have a crush. A small one.... :)

I'll tell you more later!

It's never too late

The ex-friend that I loved and lost and vowed to never be friends with again has contacted me and is trying to get back into my life. OF COURSE! Isn't that how life goes? Just when you are ready to move on 100% and leave that person behind for ever, they all of a sudden crop back in your life again and spin you for a loop.

Okay, I lied a little bit. I hadn't moved on 100%, I still missed him and our malicious and hilarious conversations that would have me laughing for hours on end. But then I would always remember how he ripped my heart into pieces and spat them out into the ocean. Without a care in the world or in his heart.

So yeah, when he reached out to me, I didn't know how to react. I still don't. I'm scared to be friends again. I feel like I could end up in this whirlwind of crap again and end up hurt and in pain and kicking myself. And who wants that? Not me.

I need to focus on building new relationships with people who care about me and really value me. He doesn't. That I can attest to. No-one who cared about my feelings would have ever treated me the way he did. It's funny now, after writing this, that I think I have my answer.

I suck at this love thing

So I was talking about my non-existent love-life the other day. And after talking to someone last night I realized that my problem stems from my very real idealism. While I think that it's quite noble and great to believe in such things as one true love, fate, soul-mates, etc., I do believe that I am in the minority of people. I also think that my notion of love and romance is something that has been heavily influenced by romance novels and films (of which I've read and seen quite a few).

I don't actually have a problem with my way of thinking. But I think that perhaps I should. I have had a disastrous last 6 months. If I'm completely honest it's been a disastrous year, but hindsight is always a biatch. I thought I was in love (or maybe strong like) with someone. I know it sounds weird now, but I don't know what I would classify the emotion as asides from madness because I actually don't feel that way anymore. At the time, I was thinking in terms of 'perfect match' and 'soul mates' but now I have no idea wtf I was thinking. The guy was not a perfect match for me in any way but I think once you have been good friends with someone for so long, sometimes you blur the lines of what you see and feel. At least that is what I am telling myself.

The guy was someone who I have spoken about in the blog before. Never with any romantic thoughts before though. I honestly never had a crush or anything on him for the first 4 years of our friendship. Maybe because he was always very honest about what a douchebag he was and I was just happy to be friends. But really that's what made it all the more romantic in my head. I thought that perhaps that was the way things are supposed to go (you know how they always say that you should marry your best friend and all that jazz).

Well, without going into all the sordid details, things got very complicated and fast. Or slow. I don't really know. It was a huge mess and there was a lot of back and forth and obviously nothing went the way of a fairytale! :)

It didn't help that he had been a bit of a sucky friend for a long time before this and it didn't help that some of my closest girl friends who knew him thought he sucked and didn't even know why I was friends with him. It also didn't help that he is a womanizer and has different moral values from me. You can see where I am going with this. The thing is, it could have been all very simple. Clean cut. But the whole situation kinda dragged on and the friendship also combusted. And I got mad and he got mad, and some really sweet things were said and voila here we are.

We are no longer friends at all. And I honestly don't ever anticipate us ever being friends again. And that makes me a little sad, but I don't know if the situation would have or could have played out any differently. The point of this post is that I don't know if it was because of my belief in the one-true love thing that caused this. Because honestly in my mind, I did kinda think, well maybe this is it? Yeah, I had pause for thought- you don't know someone as well as I knew him and not, haha. But I had several friends who told me they thought we should be together and ladidadida and don't you love him? And he has always loved you, I can tell. Those sorts of comments kind of ferment in your mind until you think well maybe.

Well maybe was a NO. And now I just have no clue. Sometimes I think I should just forget the idealism and just go out with whoever, regardless of the fact if I feel that special something and think we click and have a connection. Because the way things are going these days, I may be waiting until the aliens come down and land!

Criminal minds...argh, what not to do at the cinema!!

So I was super duper embarrassed on Tuesday. My heart was beating so fast because I thought that I was going to die of shame. Oops, I spoilt the ending of the story because now you know I didn't die. Or I wouldn't be able to type this.

It all started when my roommates and I decided to go and see 'Something Borrowed'. We decided that we would go to an early morning show because it is $6 as opposed to $13. So we all got up early, 9am, and made the trek to the cinema. We were a bit late and so we ran up the escalators and into the movie theater and handed over our tickets. There was probably one other person in the cinema at this time, asides from the people who worked there.

We rushed into the room and sat down and watched the movie. And it was cute. I'm a sucka for chick flicks but I didn't really like the message of the movie, which was basically saying that cheating is okay if the 2 people cheating are really in love. NO IT ISN'T. So, while I was rooting for the male lead and Rachel (the best friend of his fiance) to get together, I felt at odds with my feelings morally. While, it was clear that Dex, (the male lead) and Rachel had been in love for a long time and had crossed signals and all that crap, he was still engaged to her best friend. So while ultimately, the story worked out that the engagement was called off (at the last moment) and they were together and happy, I was still a bit weirded out. I mean really? That's not any sort of love story that I would be hoping for myself.

Anyways, after we all saw the movie, we went to the bathroom and had basically decided to see another movie 'Water For Elephants'. Only the plan was to sneak in without getting another ticket. I have never done this before in my life and when I first heard the plan earlier in the day, I was a bit hesitant. However, I guess I succumbed to the feeling that it was okay and lots of people do it.

Several mistakes were made:
1. When we initially arrived at the cinema we were running and drew a lot of attention to ourselves.
2. We went to see the first movie at 10.50am. Not many people go to see films that early.
3. We walked out of the first movie and then stood in line for 15 mins to buy snacks.
4. We hung out in the lobby before we walked into the next film.

5 seconds after we sat down to watch the next movie, a man comes in and sits behind us and says "My manager sent me in here to ask to see your ticket stubs."

OH SHIT! Excuse my language. But that was all that was running through my mind. OMG, what am I going to do? I want to die. Why did I sneak into this movie? Am I going to be escorted out? Sent to jail? (I told you, I am nothing if not overly dramatic at times).

Well, my two roommates and I all pretended to look for our ticket stubs. And the man then says to us "Tell the truth ladies, just tell the truth." And I can't even open my mouth because what am I going to say "Yes, I snuck into the movie without paying?" How do you say that? One of my roommates kept insisting that we had bought tickets and he kept insisting that we tell the truth. It was one of those moments in life that seems like it is in slow motion. The exchange most probably only lasted about 2 minutes but it felt like 2 hours.

Eventually, the guy told us that he was going to let us stay because we had bought food and he said some other words but I was still too freaked out to really listen. The whole movie I was on the edge of my seat just waiting for someone to come and escort me out. It was absolutely awful. Not the movie (that was cute, but again the cheating/adultery theme was prevalent ARGH).

So my advice for the day is: Never attempt to sneak into a movie after paying for one. The shame of getting caught is just not worth it!! :)

Annoyed

I feel like I get annoyed so easily these days. An off remark or comment can have me seething inside and I have less patience for people who are petty, rude and ignorant. And then I start to feel mean and get annoyed at myself for getting annoyed in the first place. Argh. It's an awful circular cycle to carry through life.